Presenting the "Look at Me!" Awards

www.thesuperficial.com

Sigh.

With the final award for Best Picture distributed at the Oscars late last Sunday evening, Hollywood’s weeks-long awards season and self-congratulatory love fest came to a close for another year.

If you’re like most folks, me included, the sigh represents sadness that the fun is over and relief that we can finally get on with things without the minute by minute updates about who’s up for what, what’s going to win and who’s wearing whom.

But, I adore movies. Nothing sidelines my problems like sitting in a darkened theater, popcorn settled in my lap, losing myself in an engrossing story.

Yes, I love the movies. As for the people who make them? Sometimes, not so much.

So before I bid adieu (yes, The Artist won Best Picture—yay!) to Hollywood’s self-absorption for another year, I’d like to present the “Look at Me!” awards to some “stars” who apparently felt neglected and sorely in need of attention.

The first category is the “It’s Time to Get Over Yourself” award, which goes to none other than that cross between sex kitten and Mother Teresa, Angelina Jolie. It appears that Angie, upset that she was not nominated for an award, or feeling upstaged by all the attention received by one of Jennifer Lopez’ body parts (see below) decided to redirect the adulation of the masses back to herself, or more specifically, to her right leg.

When she walked to the microphone to present the award for Best Original Screenplay, Jolie awkwardly stuck her right leg out through a thigh-high slit in her gown, placed her hand on her hip and grinned, waiting, it seemed, for the throng to applaud her appendage. So ridiculous was the move that Jim Rash, one of the writers who won the award for The Descendants, mocked Jolie’s stance when he received his trophy, thrusting out his leg and jauntily putting his hand on his hip while her highness stood just a few feet away. If you thought the obvious jab would have left our heroine red-faced, however, you’d be wrong, as Angie demonstrated when she struck the same exact pose while presenting a second award.

Here’s the deal, Angie. Even though you are a glorious human specimen, even though you go home to Brad Pitt every night, even though half of Hollywood wants to canonize you because you have six kids and do lots of charity work, it’s time to stop reading your own press releases. When people are mocking you, to your face, with the whole world watching, you need to get over yourself. The rest of us are pretty much over you already.

Next up, the “Now You See It, Now You Don’t” award, presented to the aforementioned Jennifer Lopez, who once again decided to push the envelope, or in this case the amount of cleavage she showed, with a dress that barely covered her breasts. In fact, if you saw what I thought I saw, it didn’t cover her breasts. Apparently, tons of folks were in agreement as evidenced by the creation of the Twitter page “JLosNipple,” which, I might add, was running second in followers to the Twitter page “AngiesRightLeg,” thereby proving that Jolie did indeed have the last word on flashing.

JLo, between your nipple, your prodigious butt and hips, which you presented to us, in case we missed them, when you and Cameron Diaz turned your rears to the audience, and that horrific cat suit you wore when you performed on New Year’s Eve 2010, we have seen enough of your body parts to last a lifetime. (Insert dissent by any man reading this.) While you may be trying to teach your twins that sharing is a good thing, continually sharing your over-exposed (literally) self with the masses is not. Next time, try for a little decorum and keep your parts to yourself.

And finally, to Sacha Baron Cohen, the “I’m Just an Idiot” award, presented to the comic for arriving dressed as a dictator in a stunt to promote his new movie and spilling an urn of ashes purported to be those of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il onto Ryan Seacrest. Do I need to say any more?

So yes, I’m sad to see Hollywood’s awards’ season come to a close, but I have no doubt that next year, I’ll find just as much to love, and hate, about movies and the stars who make them. I can hardly wait.

What’s your take on the Oscars? Click “comments” below and share!